my intake on love

so, i am not the mushy gushy kinda teenage girland i thinks thats because i grew up around guys.. i mean the highlight of my summer is going to be being able to get the engine on our restored formula 440.

when asked what i think about love i don't know how to respond. i've had lotss of boyfriends enough to call me a skank..... but none of them have really ment anything, i guess when i went out witha long time friend in 6th grae i thought i was in love, but it was false, idk some ppl says theres the perfect someone for everyone, and that they'll find them someday. do i really believe that??
no.
i do believe that theres someone prfect for everyone but i don't believe that they'll always be found, i mean i can hardly watch romance movies now, i get choked up and not because the movie is sad but because i wonder if i'll ever be loved. will i??

i see girls walking down school hallways holding hands with a guy looking so happy, and i wonder if i'll ever do that, will i ever get maried? will i ever have kids?? wil i ever be happy???

i wonder ... did god forget me when he made everyones perfect match??
i feel like he did, or sometimes i think he made my perfect match to old, or to young,
then i feel completely left out, you can tell when ppl are truly happy, idk y but i can read ppl, tell when there lying or when their truly happy, but when i look into the mirror all i see is emptyness, in my face and in my eyes, its like part of me is missing. i want to be happy.........i want to love someone and be loved, i want to live in a happy romance novel, i want unwantable things, i probably sound like anyother blubbering teenage girl, but its more than emothion, i feel .. missing, like the world is moveing around me while i'm standing still.... my friends are finding ppl, deciding wjo they like, but me??? i'm trapped in an invisable barrier, thoughtless, like everyday is a movie or play where i ahve to act to be myself, becasue if i didn't act, i'd be gone, vanished into thin air......... it hurts....everything.. seeing ym two friends hapy together, and i'm happy, but when i think about it i can't help but feel and emptyness inside...... it like



i was born without the ability to love.